Step Aside Gratitude, I Need to Acknowledge Myself
Gratitude has to be one of the top buzz words of the last year. It is on coffee mugs, t-shirts, bumper stickers, bracelets, you name it. We are all working on becoming more grateful and I am grateful for that. (Did you see what I just did there?) I have a gratitude practice. I include it in my prayer time and I look for opportunities to tell people what I appreciate about them. Last fall, leading up to my 40th birthday, I created a Facebook post every day for 40 days, thanking someone who had shaped me in some way. It was an amazing process and I gained so much by sharing with others how much I appreciate them. But, gratitude is only half of the equation. And let’s face it, some times you still want to cry, punch a wall or open that bottle of wine when things get tough.
When I am really struggling, super stressed, paralyzed with indecision or just plain depressed, gratitude only gets me so far. I’ve tried it. I say to myself, “okay, write down at least 10 things you are grateful for and you will kick this mood”. I do it. It’s not always easy. It may look like this; I am grateful for my parents, my health, coffee, my dog. I go deeper. I’m grateful for healthy feet I can dance with, a working digestive system that nourishes me, the ability to see, so I can walk around without bumping into things and enjoy the beauty of the world. Believe me, this process helps, but I need more.
A few years ago, I started adding another habit to my self-care. I started acknowledging myself. Gratitude invites us to be present to the moment and builds connection with something bigger than ourselves. Acknowledgement on the other hand, builds self-compassion and connection to our authentic self. Our world is shockingly low in self-compassion. Loneliness, eating disorders, addiction, anxiety, depression, hatred, shame and anger are all reflect a lack of self-compassion. We tell ourselves we are bad, selfish, fat, have no control, are not worthy, not valuable, not smart enough, not good enough, the list goes on and on and on.
Would you say any of these things to a baby? Of course not. You would celebrate the first time they ate solid food, the first time they sat up on their own, the first step they took (or almost took), the first time they said “mamma” or “daddy”. Here in lies the secret to healing yourself and being the best parent, teacher, leader, entrepreneur, partner, and overall human you can be……………start giving yourself the same acknowledgement you would give a baby.
Acknowledgments do not need to be Nobel Peace prize winning things. And, I am not suggesting for you to walk into the office and brag about every little thing you did. Often, when someone does this, they are really looking for outside validation because they are questioning their own value. Learn to be your own cheerleader. Acknowledge yourself for thinking about updating your resume, going to the gym or for a run, trying yoga. The next day you can acknowledge yourself for getting a little closer. Maybe you made a date to go for a run with a friend, or you printed out our old resume, you found your yoga mat. This focuses on what you have done, not what you have not done. Acknowledge yourself for things you do every day, but are still choices. These could be things like taking a shower, making dinner, brushing your teeth, taking out the garbage. Acknowledge yourself for emotional things like; giving your son a hug even thought he said something at dinner that really hurt you, for being exhausted trying to juggle the kids, your elderly parents, your job and your spouse and for asking for what you need.
I have given this assignment to everyone of my coaching clients and most of them struggle with it. I tell them to stick with it until it is no longer a struggle. This is especially helpful for high-performing, perfectionist, type-A’s that struggle with anxiety and stress-related illness. I know, I am one. This club of perfectionist-anonymous members have become addicted to achievement and outside validation. We are so focused on being successful and achieving, that we never learned to find validation from within ourselves or how to love ourselves without achievements, compliments, titles and awards.
I am about 2 years into this habit. I acknowledge myself (almost every day) for 5 things and I write down 5 things I am grateful for. I think this simple habit has been one of the biggest game changers for me. Here is what has what has unfolded:
· I am much more in tune with my needs. When I snap at my partner, I check in and acknowledge what made me do that. I was tired, needed a hug, and a bathroom break before he launched into an issue that came up at work. I apologize for snapping and I acknowledge myself for being human and needing rest and an empty bladder to be present.
· I set boundaries around my inner critic- When I start “should-ing” all over myself, I extinguish the fire with a shower of acknowledgments. I should have gotten more done today, I should be farther along by now, I should know better, I should not have done that. Once I hear one or two of these statements, I notice it, thank it, and offer myself 2 or 3 acknowledgements. That spiral of anxiety, shame, or indecision stops and I move forward with what’s right in front of me.
· I am more willing to take risks- If I acknowledge myself for steps in the process as opposed to the outcome, I keep moving forward. I break things down into digestible pieces and I celebrate the little things and do it again the next day. I do things because they are authentic for me, not because it is what someone at my age, career level, or with my experience should do.
· I am happy with who I am — I have an inner strength that is not attached to outside circumstances or achievements. It does not matter how much I got done today, how many appointments I had, or how good dinner was. I am valuable and enough just by being alive. As a result, it is easier for me to connect to my intuition and my purpose.
· I acknowledge others more often- My brain is wired to acknowledge. I look for things to celebrate about myself and I look for things to celebrate about others. This simple act of acknowledging others for things they probably would not have acknowledged themselves for, plants a seed in their brain to celebrate themselves.
I acknowledge myself for writing this article. I did not have to, but I wanted to. And I believe this will help successful but stressed out individuals build self-compassion and find themselves operating from a greater sense of authenticity. And, I acknowledge you for reading this…………….all the way to the end.
Sara Emhof is a speaker, leadership coach and founder of MOGA Living. MOGA creates virtual and in-person experiences that connect and build tribes of individuals and leaders committed to personal and community transformation. Learn more at www.mogaliving.com.